What am I going to do…like literally?

Good morning, afternoon, evening, where ever you are. Where I am its 7 AM and i’m literally up thinking about my life and my “purpose” early this morning. I’m at that weird age and stage of my life where you feel like your just “here” and haven’t really found out what it is that I want to do with my life. Like really, have you ever just thought to yourself “What in the hell am I here for?”. You have your photographers, your rappers, your singers, your fashionistas, your make-up artist, the list goes on. But where do I fit?

Lately I’ve been slowly learning more and more about myself. My likes and dislikes, my little hobbies that i’m interested in (like blogging) but I fall off here and there *sigh*, again WTH am I here for!? I know what your thinking “you don’t know your likes and dislikes already”? Listen, when you get to age 26 you realize those things you once loved and couldn’t get enough of, well you will get enough of and the taste buds in fact DO change.

Am I writer? I mean don’t get me wrong I was never the person in school getting super excited when the teacher said “Are you guys excited for the new topic we’re writing about this week?”…..

But I’m almost certain I do enjoy writing about what “I” like to write about. I also have a niche for music. I was a singer for almost all my life in church, chorus and even was in a show choir!

I know right. Yes, I was in a full blown show choir for 3 years of my high school career and I absolutely loved every single year of it because I enjoyed performing! But I could never see my ready to be 2 babies deep, full grown woman (add like 40 more pounds from high school), with a whole husband and all performing on a stage again. So yet again here I am, WTH am I here for?!

I’m seriously perplexed. Like I feel so overwhelmed and feeling like i’m loosing time because I haven’t figured it out yet. I’m seeing everyone doing SOMETHING and yet I feel like I’m doing nothing, and don’t get me started on what I’ve been told. “Oh your a mother your doing A LOT of something” or “You are the woman of the house your doing something good everyday”. Yea, this maybe true but I want to do something for myself. No mom likes to hear about how shes “Such a MOM” like we don’t already know!

Sometimes us “Moms” want to be viewed as something else other then being a mom and/or wife all the time. What about me? Without the obvious titles, without the everyday chores that most of the time are overlooked and under appreciated because its seriously “WHAT I’M SUPPOSE TO DO”! I want to find my purpose, what is it that I can do that would be viewed as unique and awesome about my own self? Well on to my journey of finding my “purpose” until next time….

January 1, 2019.

I woke up feeling G R E A T this morning! Its something about a New Year that makes you feel like its a clean slate. Yes, the same sun will rise and set, but its the first day of a new 365 days. I didn’t want to go out of 2018 with a party, being turned up, drunk, and high as ever. I really did want a


So what am I changing? What are my cliche resolutions for 2019? Well, its not much. Actually its pretty simple, and I only have 5.

  1. S T O P being friends with Mary Jane (no smoking).
  2. S T O P indulging in other peoples drama.
  3. G A I N self control
  4. T R A V E L!
  5. save, save, S A V E!

Pretty simple right?

I think the only part I struggle with the most is number 1. See, Mary Jane found me at a very vulnerable and messy time. N O, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with a little weed here and there. But I do believe it can get out of control if you let it, just like any other addiction. Yes you heard me, addiction.

I knew it was a problem when I told myself multiple times “OK we’re not going to smoke today” (yes that’s me talking to me), but yet I still ended up rolling a L before the end of the day.

I was so disappointed in myself.

So for 2019 I promised myself that I wasn’t going to do it until I felt strong enough to have some self control. At first, I smoked because I was always in pain and it seemed to have helped. I no longer had chronicle headaches, no more back pain, no more hip pain, no more pain. It also helped me with stress. No more worrying, complaining, nagging, or trying to control everything.

I was a smooth sailing human being 😊

Until I realized this is getting expensive and now I’m just doing it to do it, not because I necessarily need it. So I decided its time to S T O P. But I learned something about myself at that very moment.

I don’t have any self control, I cant stop. 🤦‍♀️

So you know what I did?

So this year My most focused resolution is to stop smoking. I don’t know for how long, maybe a few months, maybe forever.

But I just want to see how my body will react and see if marijuana really did help my body pains and migraines like I thought. In Cali and other places marijuana is legal and used for medical purposes. Marijuana has also saved the lives of people who suffer with chronic pain and seizures. This is why I don’t see it as a crime or wrong. But I will say, it can getting out of control if you let it, just like any “too good” of a thing, so here goes.

Wish me luck 🤞

ok…I’m ready now.

2018 is coming to an end and I’m getting the ‘feels’. So much has happen this year, but mostly it was all just overwhelming. I lost my father-n-law beginning of the year, that hit home H A R D. I was struggling with depression and anxiety shortly after deciding to leave my job and then my husband got deployed….

I was devastated.

I decided to go stay with my dad against my husband better judgement (I admit I should have stayed home). As the months went on, so did reality. The late night calls, care packages, miscommunications, D I S T A N C E. Gosh, I HATE DEPLOYMENT. But we continued to push through, but then…

I lost my papa.

We tried everything. The whole time my husband was gone my papa was in and out of surgeries, having to have his foot amputated, his heart repaired, and countless nights in and out of the hospital until he said no more. It was so hard having to see my mother and aunt go through all of this. While I was trying to stay strong for everyone I just felt like the world was on my shoulders. Not necessarily because I was needed, but because my husband is not home and I was going through other misunderstandings at the same time with another family member on my husband side of the family all while loosing my grandpa. I was no use to anybody.

But because of her..

Its because of her that no matter what friend I loose or what set back I’m in she’s there. That night I got the call my papa passed. We all went to the hospital, met with family, viewed the body and mourned. I went home and slept until 11 and my best friend of 20 + years was knocking at the door with food and stress relievers. I was grateful for her.

The next few weeks was hard. We had the funeral and inside I was still a mess. At this point I’ve isolated myself, only dealing with my best friend and immediate family. My husband was trying to be in my corner as much as he could but yet again distance makes it hard.

Graduation was approaching and It was almost time to go H O M E! (yesss!)

I cant tell you how amazing it feels to have some sort of college degree. I graduated with my Associates of arts in Human Services!! And then guess what…

My hubby finally came home! My smile shows how happy I was to have him back. Until they took him back again for a month.

But this time it was different. I was already aware of my up and down emotions and had already inquired about therapy help. Its crazy how the African American community are so uneducated about mental health (we’ll save that for another post). But with professional help, prayer, support, and spiritual guidance, I was back myself .

I had found myself again, except I was a better version. I had been through the storm and was finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I was at peace, in-plus I found a new job at a new federal institution.

So there you have it!

My 2018 was a real life roller coaster. Between Death, Deployment, Distance, and Depression I was done. But with Faith and Perseverance I got through.

Happy 2019 B*TCHS!